The Weeaboo’s Guide to War

Wapanese. Weeaboos. Japanophiles. They go by many names all indicating the same type of person. Said person is obsessed with Japan, clinging to anime, Japanese culture, and sushi to provide them with entertainment. Many of these people, though they’d disagree, are woefully unprepared for life in a war zone. Hopefully this guide will serve these people well and turn them back towards the righteous path I like to call “Reality”.

First of all, how do you know if you’re a Weeaboo?

Do you:
- Watch anime exclusively, rejecting other cartoons made in North America or Europe?
- Insert random Japanese words into your English sentences? (Neko, Desu, Kawaii, etc.)
- Own a sword for purposes other than decoration or sport?  (IE fencing)
- Fawn over Pocky?
- Want to marry a Japanese person for no apparent reason other than that they‘re Japanese?
- Make that stupid peace sign in pictures?

If you answered ‘yes’ to two or more of the above questions, you’re probably a Weeaboo. Unfortunately, if you only have the knowledge learned from years of watching anime and History Channel specials on Japan, you’re probably going to die when the bullets start flying.
However, if you can put aside your pride and hear me out, I may just be able to give you a fighting chance.

Weapons (or why your sword is bad)

Rule number one. Get yourself a good gun. Your sword is not an acceptable choice for modern combat, regardless of how good you are with it. Unfortunately for many people, anime and other sources have depicted swords as omnipotent weapons of unstoppable destruction. For your reference, I will dispel a few myths regarding swords here.
-Swords do not make good primary weapons due to their relatively short reach and unwieldiness. If you research military history, you’ll find that the sword was often far outnumbered on the battlefield by longer range weapons like the English longbow, Japanese spear, Israelite sling, Greek pike, and other weapons designed to keep enemies at a distance.

- Swords cannot block bullets. It is physically impossible for a human to recognize an incoming bullet, calculate it’s course, and move a sword into a blocking position within the amount of time it takes for a bullet to reach it’s target. Even if you somehow managed to block one, there’d likely be a few more right behind it. That’s also not even considering the damage a bullet would do to a sword or the fact that cutting a bullet in midair now means that you have two projectiles flying at you instead of one.

-Swords cannot cut through gun barrels. The barrel of a firearm is designed to contain and direct extreme forces of pressure and heat. Whacking it with a sword probably won’t damage it much, if at all.

-Swords do not cut through the human body like knives through butter. Human bone is stronger than reinforced concrete. Unless the strike is directed at an area with little or no bone such as a joint or the neck, chances of limbs and torsos being cleaved in twain are slim.
-Swords are not better than guns in close range combat. Remember, guns work even better when they’re closer.

Rule number two. Carry plenty of ammunition. Running out of ammunition at an inopportune time could ruin your day in a big way. Keep in mind, however, that a sword is still not a replacement for ammunition. Running at an enemy with a sword is just as likely to kill you as running at an enemy with an empty rifle.

Rule number three. Get a bayonet. There may come a time when you aren’t able to fire your weapon. This large barrel-mounted knife is a weapon of last resort that may save your life. Not only are they intimidating weapons, they also serve the functions of a knife, able to open cans, manipulate screws, skin animals, along with a variety of other uses.

Tactics

WORK. IN. TEAMS. The popular image of a single soldier taking on legions of enemies is fictional. While a well trained soldier may be able to take out a good number of hostiles, keep in mind that the attention of every enemy soldier will be on you. Teams allow for more eyes on lookout, greater maneuverability in a firefight, and can offer help in an emergency.

Use cover. Standing in the open while trying to look menacing is a great way to die of extreme lead poisoning.

Never run into a hail of gunfire. You’d think this would be obvious, but far too many disillusioned youths think that they can mimic some stylized anime show by running through a barrage of bullets. Doing so will only serve to make you less alive.

Fight dirty. Booby traps, hidden explosives, and unconventional warfare are effective, especially for poorly-equipped soldiers. Sure it may not be “honorable”, but who cares? A well-placed mine can neutralize a truckload of enemy combatants, greatly improving your chances.

Retreat is an option. Sometimes if things are looking bad, the best choice is to fall back. Fighting a losing fight simply to say that you never lost a battle in your lifetime is a waste of resources and lives. Dying over an unimportant objective when you could have retreated and regrouped is not heroic. It’s stupid.


Battlefield Etiquette

Honor is for retards. The romantic image of a one on one fight with crossed swords should never have been introduced into the fragile young minds of today’s impressionable youth. It rarely, if ever happens that way. To win, you must make the fight as uneven and unfair for your opponent as possible. Fair fights cost lives.

Avoid the collateral damage. Your fight is with your opponent, not with the civilian populace. Therefore, leveling an entire city block to take out a few enemy soldiers is not the best option. However, still keep in mind that buildings can be replaced, lives can’t. If sending a rocket through a window reduces the risk to you and your fellow soldiers, so be it.

Try not to get yourself killed. You aren’t of any use to your team if you’re dead. Nothing honorable in dying while leaving the rest of your team hosed in a kill zone.

Don’t kill yourself if you lose a fight. It wasn’t cool when the samurai did it and it isn’t cool now. The phrase “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” comes into play here. Use your loss as a learning experience. What went wrong? How could that situation have been handled to change the outcome? Killing yourself not only deprives your unit of manpower and resources, but makes you look like a hardcore pansy.

No long speeches or life stories while in the middle of a firefight. Nobody cares.

Try not to complain about your disdain for war while blowing away an enemy convoy. It makes you look like a hypocritical jacktard.

Acting ‘random’ or ‘hyper’ will get you shot. Either by the enemy that noticed your antics, or by your fellow soldiers annoyed to extreme measures by your shenanigans.

         You should never shout out the name of the particular attack or maneuver you're executing, except when it is to warn your fellow soldiers (IE "Frag out" when a fragmentation grenade is thrown). Doing so will not only serve to alert the enemy to your movement, but may possibly get you beat down by the men and women fighting alongside you.

Rules to Live By

Japan’s military was dissolved after World War II, leaving it only with a Self-Defense Force. As such, the country is very inexperienced in the world of modern warfare. As such, entertainment from the country should not be a source for any sort of battlefield advice.

Video games are designed to be entertaining and fun, not realistic, regardless of how realistic they claim to be. Playing Rainbow Six is no replacement for good combat training.

Skimpy clothing will result in a scratched up body. Doesn’t matter if it worked in an anime show, it’s a bad idea.

Inserting random words from other languages will confuse your fellow soldiers. Stick to the language everyone else is using.

Squealing in a high-pitched voice will not only alert the enemy to your location, but is, quite frankly, annoying as crap.

Your bayonet, a big shiny knife, should never be considered more elegant, beautiful, or superior than your firearm. It is a weapon of last resort that, if used, will make you wish you could’ve just shot the guy. Guaranteed.

        Sushi is a horrible battlefield food. Personal taste aside, the stuff is raw fish. Raw fish tends to rot quickly. Imagine running around in a hot combat zone with a backpack full of decomposing ichthyoid carcasses. Yeah, that's why we have canned food and MREs.

        Make sure your clothes give you at least some form of camouflage. Wearing elaborate kimonos, bright orange jumpsuits, and shiny headbands work in exactly the same fashion as a large sign saying "Shoot Here".

         Long, flowing hair may be nice for super models and anime heroines, but has no place on the battlefield. Not only is it extremely likely to get filthy, smelly, and tattered, but it greatly increases your chances of getting snagged and pulled to a grisly demise. Short hair is key. Unless you fancy being pulled headfirst into the tracks of a tank that is.

         And finally…

Bushido got Japan nuked in World War II. Just keep that in mind.